Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
