That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
