Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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