She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
zippers are such a cool invention
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
