you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
