You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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