YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
