It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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