Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
