That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
There's even glitter on my cock...
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