girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
two words...techno handjob
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
