his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
