if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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