dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
