we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
