Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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