he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize