so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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