dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
