I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You took a bar mat shot.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize