Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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