I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
