i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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