Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
