if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
we should paint friendship bongs
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