i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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