I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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