we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize