Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
