Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
They left me at home... I'm a liability
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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