So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
