if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
