i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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