My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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