i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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