i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
