i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
