There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
she told me i tasted like america
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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