I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
