STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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