Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
