Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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