wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
