i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Sorry about my life...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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