I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
