hotel room ftw
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It's official drugs can't kill me
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
