She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
