I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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