All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
