just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
