You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
