So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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