Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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