I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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