Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
